sounds like I did when I was younger

7/18/00: Sounds like I did when I was younger
Oh, my!!!!!!

My 9 year old cousin who is living here with us for a while with her dad, my first cousin, well, she was not allowed to go somewhere with me and she was getting pissed off because it seems like she is never allowed to go anywhere and it was pretty funny to me listening to her because I kept thinking that she sounded like I did when I was her age!!! I was in so much turmoil and I couldn’t handle it, I only knew to cry and yell and scream and threaten to run away and kill myself.

That’s something I wonder about, when I was younger I could get set off by something so dumb, (ex. when someone threatened to pop my balloon for no reason) I screamed, cried, ran upstairs and locked myself into the bathroom, threw chairs on myself, tried to drown myself, kill myself, all because so and so hurt me and that’s the only reason I knew how to express myself. I remember that and I am very glad that I’ve changed, In most ways, I’m much quieter and only need med to help me sleep, I still hurt myself though, I still throw up, did take od’s of pills, cutt on myself, pull my hair and not eat right and sleep, I think all because I have to do it to protect something, see, my therapist said once that I am a scapegoat, I cause my problems for my family to basically get on my case and not concentrate on other probs, I think it’s something like that, I don’t know, maybe it’s for myself, in some kind of way it’s to protect myself. Only God knows.

Well, I’m starting to get to the point to where I can’t quit writing, so I better go, but I want to add that I ate what’s considered normal food today and I only purged once, at school, I quit and got out of the bathroom because someone came in and then left, and I don’t want people to be around me then. I know, that’s not good, but it is when you don’t eat or throw up everything you do eat!!! I’ll probably write again tomm night, I’m starting to get addicted to this!!! 🙂 Take Care!!! Mary