Thursday 12th, really mon. 16th

Teri was waking me up for school, while I was asleep, she told mom that I was blue, unresponsive and dead. Mom tried to wake me up sometime later because she fell back asleep (during the night, after the od, I slept by mom in her bed, while my heart was racing) but she fell back asleep, I guess Teri went to school for our last day before spring break and mom was yelling at me, with Cilla by my other side, wake up!!!!! I finally got up, mom said why are you waking up and then falling back asleep? I said, I’m tired, that’s why. The strangest words she said then, are you sure it’s not a man-made problem??? I thought, in my unconcious state, what the frigging hell??? No, mom it’s not.

Zonk. I wake up again, being hit it felt like. Mom is awake again, and I am, for a short while, enough to do a blood curling scream leave…… me…….. ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I jump up, run out, get downstaitrrs to the couch, curl up and fall asleep again. This si stuff that some of it I remember, and others, I asked people and they told me like about what Teri said when she first woke me up.

To me, the whole thing seemed to take hours while I kept falling asleep again and stuff, being woken up, and it was a couple at least, since they first thought there may be a problem, but it felt like so much more to myself. I remember Cuilla standing by me on the couch, waking me up, she wwas crying, pleading. Mary, it really looked like you died! Mary!!! GET UP!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mary!!!,…. at one point I did look at her, (I think she like cupped my fat chin into her little hands) Cilla, yes. I did it. I tried to kill myself, I’m crying by then, and I say something, mom doesn’t have any idea! she doesn’t care,… she told me later she let me go to get her “aunt ann” my mom and then I guess they found the suicide note I tried to write while high, basically tell everyone I loved them and thanks fopr trying, but I loved them too much and caused them too many probalems, I can’t remember what I wrote, I do know that mom was confused about part of it, when I wrote it, high, tired and od’ing, it made sense, but not later.

I remember being woke up to Cilla telling mom they’re here. Then paramedics, two men are talking to me. Mary, Mary, (I think they said wake up, but it felt like they were talking to me as if I was already awake) like, Mary, are you still sleeping because you’re tired? I think, am not sure I said I didn’t get much sleep. Anyways, I finally got going, and because here in Cincinnati they have been having riots, we had to go to a hospital that was about 40 minutes away other then the one I normally go to.

I went into the E R, was more alert then earlier but kept waking up only to sip on more charcoal, I swear if I was more concious I wouldn’t have drank any of it, and I wouldn’t let them restrain me and shove the tube through my nose with it like they did before. I wish i didn’t, but I did, and got to take breaks, II had to finish two cups in a half hour like I was watching the clock or something. Yeah.

Well, I finished, then we walked to my home from that time thursday till earlier today, monday. I will try to add more again later, but I was supposed to be with my older sis tonight, staying the night and ging to work wth her tomorrow morning, but when we got home, I shoved some food, fries, a sandwich and drink into my mouth, tried to use the restroom, not to throw up, either! and well, let’s just say I can now say I’ve ruined my stomach. I had some bad painful make myself cry pains. gotta go, brians gf is talking to me, and i’m helping them talk to each other since her parents found out, he had his son and now hes glad that hes the father well, more later again

ok, see, at that time, Brian and his girlfriend Andrea weren’t allowed to see each other, because she told her parents about his son and so they figured out he’s sexually active and well, so she has been calling me, talking to me and trying to talk to Brian but that night we were talking and I wanted off of the phone, but she was pleading with me to not hang up, and she was acting desperate, so even like an hour after Bruian was supposed to be home I finally said we had to hangup, and that took a good 10 minutes itself. Right now, 4/19/01 Thursday I am only worrying about how to tell her that I was sleeping with her boyfriend. I feel weird even writing that, it didn’t seem like that at the time, but the first time we had sex was the second night that he was here, and that night was when she asked him to go out with her, he hadn’t decided yet,. But yes, it was wrong, and I realize it now, we still both had sex a lot after that bith knowing he was cheating. The excuses I make to think it’s right are things like how we never talk, and all of a sudden we do now, only because of her boyfriend. Andf that’s all we talk about, or she does, I listen to. It was so hard for me, watching them kiss and stuff, knowing that most likely those nights Brian and I would be staying up, waiting for mom to leave and having sex. I mean, I was only thinking selfishly thewn, but Andrea, why didn’t she think that it was possible that since her boyfriend was living with two teenage girls that that could happen??? Because she loved andtrusted him, didn’t think that he would ever cheat on her. I hurt her, and Brian esp. hurt her. She doesn’t know yet, I have to be the one to tell her, I hacve tried to call her, but when I do get ahold of her, I’m going to ask her to come over and tell her that way. Then maybe she wouldn’t be calling me with is Brian mad at me? Will he wait till I can see him again, tell him this,… tell him that,… She’s pining over a guy that cheated on her, and I’m the one, or one of the manyy that he did that on, and I have to tell her. She even said that maybe if she did something drastic and landed ina hospital or something, her mom would notice how much she missed Brian and would let her see him. I can’t let her do that.